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Hollywood runs out of condoms

Recently respectable psychologists, sexologists and other doctors gathered in front of a television screen. But there was no popcorn, no slurping colas, no unhealthy food - everything was exceptionally sterile and safe. Doctors attentively observed James Bond seducing another young woman. A bed scene is inevitable. Silence reigns in the room, but one can feel the exertion of all the people present. On the screen Pierce Brosnan in the role of Agent 007 transfixes the lover with a piercing glance. Everything will start in a moment.. But.. He didn’t put on a condom! Did you see it? He didn’t even have a condom, Sirs!

It is needless to say  that the examination of Hollywood films recently conducted by American medical experts was under way in a far warmer atmosphere. Scientists spent thousands of hours in front of the screen, looking for a sexual subtext, to be more exact, not the subtext itself, but factual and stylistic mistakes, which Hollywood film directors, who are sharp-set for something graceful and perverse, make so often. One should watch attentively!

Experts examined more than 200 films and came to the conclusion that almost all sexual heroes forget about contraception: is it so difficult for a Demon-tempter to take a small square out of his pocket and is it so hard for a cameraman to show it quickly?
For instance, experts found six episodes in the film Basic Instinct, where cautiousness swept away uncontrollable libido, to say nothing about the case, when the main hero died. It serves him right; he paid for the devil-may-care attitude to the safe sex.

An article based on the study of a group of scientists was published in the Royal Medical Society magazine. The scientists are dissatisfied with the negligence cinematography shows towards contraception. Just watch Die Another Day (the last episode with Bondiana) or Basic Instinct, medical experts insist. Doesn’t it seem attractive to the teenagers, who wake up with the only thought in their head - which more toxicant drug to choose today out of thousands of sorts - you want them to pick up AIDS in addition to it all?

The only film that proved to be “clean” is the one shot in 1990. It is Pretty Woman starring Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. “There is a hardly noticeable hint on safe sex,” one of the authors of the magazine says. “Do you remember when the character of Gere is offered a choice of condoms? On this basis we suggest he used condoms in the bed.”

Experts have also criticized the habit of smoking on-screen. When children watch their idols gracefully lighting a cigarette or a pipe, stuffed with tobacco of high quality, can’t they but want to convolve a sham cigarette of a copybook list and to draw it down deeply? And it is indeed the first step to nicotine dependence.

Strict scientists took fancy for the psychological thriller shot in 1999. It is The Sixth Sense with Bruce Williams, and the film Cast Away of 2000 with Tom Hanks, which was completely deprived of any dissolute scenes.

The strugglers for sexual justice hope that after all film producers will listen to their opinion and provide all the hero-lovers with reliable means of contraception.

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12/2008 02/2009


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